Hola.
¿Sueles tener problemas para empatizar con tus padres?
Es normal.
A muchos nos pasa.
Por eso, en este artículo te presento tres maneras de pensar que pueden ayudarte a mejorar la relación con tus padres.
Cuando hagan eso que a ti te molesta tanto, piensa que:
1- Lo hacen lo mejor que pueden.
Desgraciadamente, no tuvieron clases para aprender a ser los mejores padres del mundo.
Actúan creyendo hacer lo que creen que es correcto, aunque a veces puedan equivocarse.
2- Su manera de educar estuvo/está influenciada por la educación que ellos mismos recibieron de sus padres.
Tenemos la enorme oportunidad de aprender lo que nos gusta de su forma de educar y lo que no.
Repitamos sus aciertos y aprendamos de sus errores.
3- Todas sus acciones/decisiones buscan cubrir una necesidad, aunque no sean conscientes de ello.
Es decir, eso que hacen que nos molesta tanto es –inconscientemente– una estrategia para sentirse de cierta manera.
Los conflictos ocurren cuando la estrategia que eligen para satisfacer su necesidad –para sentirse de cierta manera– choca con nuestra estrategia para satisfacer la nuestra –para sentirnos de cierta manera–.
¿No sabes a qué me refiero?
Me explico mejor.
Las necesidades de nuestro cerebro
Estas necesidades de las que hablo ―las cuales son universales y aplicables a todos los seres humanos― son estados emocionales que deseamos alcanzar continuamente mediante nuestras acciones. Es decir, que todas nuestras acciones son estrategias para sentirnos de la manera en la que consciente o inconscientemente deseamos sentirnos en un momento dado.
O, en otras palabras, todos pensamos y actuamos de la manera en la que lo hacemos para sentirnos de cierta manera ―generalmente, a última instancia, buscamos siempre un sentimiento de seguridad física o emocional―.
Piénsalo.
No solemos ser conscientes de ello, pero nuestras emociones guían todas nuestras acciones y, por lo tanto, nuestras decisiones, pensamientos y acciones siempre van a ser una estrategia para podernos sentir de cierta manera; para cubrir una necesidad.
¿Quieres sentirte conectado/a o querido/a? Llamas a tus amigos a ver si quieren/pueden cenar contigo o vas a la fiesta que te invitaron el otro día.
Depende de la estrategia que utilices para sentirte conectado/a o querido/a.
¿Quieres sentirte tranquilo/a o libre? Te vas a dar una vuelta tú solo/a a disfrutar de la tranquilidad de tu compañía o rechazas ir a la fiesta que te invitaron el otro día.
Depende de la estrategia que utilices para sentirte tranquilo/a o libre.
Voy a dar un sencillo ejemplo sobre estrategias.
Todos queremos seguridad emocional y física en nuestros hogares, ¿verdad? Es decir, protección.
La mayoría de las personas escoge instalarse un sistema de alarma para ello, pero otros escogen comprarse una escopeta para protegerse (sobre todo en los Estados Unidos), mientras que otros compran un par de perros que den mucho miedo.
Otros, ponen un vigilante en la puerta para que no entre nadie y otros compran veinte cerraduras extra para su puerta y solo salen de su cuarto una vez al año, mientras unos cuantos van a saludar a todos los vecinos uno a uno para conocerles y sentirse más seguros.
Como ves, todas las estrategias son válidas y muy diferentes entre sí, pero la misma necesidad de seguridad dirige sus acciones.
Todos tenemos las mismas necesidades, pero unos las satisfacen de una manera y otros de otra.
Todo depende de la estrategia que elijamos para cubrir nuestra determinada necesidad.
Es decir, eso que hacen que nos molesta tanto de nuestros padres es –inconscientemente– una estrategia para sentirse de cierta manera.
Los conflictos ocurren cuando la estrategia que eligen para satisfacer su necesidad –para sentirse de cierta manera– choca con nuestra estrategia para satisfacer la nuestra –para sentirnos de cierta manera–.
Según el Centro de Comunicación No Violenta, las necesidades de las personas –que nos permiten comprender de dónde provienen sus pensamientos y acciones, principalmente impulsadas por un deseo de seguridad física o emocional– son numerosas.
Pero, en resumen, las principales son las siguientes:
- Aceptación
- Conexión
- Expresión
- Cariño
- Desarrollo
- Respeto
- Atención
- Confianza
- Libertad
- Propósito
- Estabilidad
- Autoestima
Es decir, todos hacemos lo que hacemos y pensamos lo que pensamos ―incluso si no somos conscientes de ello―, como estrategia para satisfacer una determinada necesidad.
O, en otras palabras, para sentirnos:
- aceptados;
- conectados;
- escuchados;
- queridos;
- desarrollados;
- respetados;
- atendidos;
- confiados;
- libres;
- realizados;
- estables, o
- seguros de nosotros mismos.
Porque recordemos que eso es justamente lo que quiere nuestro cerebro; moldear nuestros pensamientos para pensar y actuar de la manera que nuestra amígdala quiere, evitando así una amenaza y atrayéndonos hacia una situación que sea segura para nosotros y nos haga sentir bien.
Y, como las necesidades son impulsadas por emociones ―y no podemos controlar el hecho de que sintamos emociones―, cada necesidad debe de ser escuchada, respetada y entendida.
Simplemente, como las emociones.
Necesidad + necesidad = conflicto
Los problemas ocurren cuando la estrategia para satisfacer nuestra necesidad choca con la estrategia de nuestros padres para satisfacer la suya.
A lo mejor tienes la necesidad de sentirte conectado con tu madre ―y tu estrategia para sentirte así es salir a cenar―, pero tu madre puede que tenga la necesidad de sentirse tranquila con ella misma en ese momento ―y su estrategia para sentirse así es quedarse tranquilamente en casa después de un largo día de trabajo―.
Tú quieres salir a cenar, pero tu madre no. He ahí un conflicto.
A lo mejor tienes la necesidad de sentirte respetado/a por tu familia ―y tu estrategia para sentirte así es anunciar tu último ascenso en el trabajo―, pero tu marido o mujer puede que tenga la necesidad de sentirse escuchado/a tras un estresante día ―y su estrategia para sentirse así es escuchar poco y hablar mucho sobre lo estresante que ha sido su día―.
Tú quieres hablar de tu ascenso, pero tu marido o mujer no te escucha porque quiere hablar de su día. He ahí otro conflicto.
A lo mejor tienes la necesidad de sentirte respetado por tu jefe en el trabajo ―y tu estrategia para sentirte así es comunicar los resultados de tu último gran proyecto, pero tu jefe puede que tenga la necesidad de sentirse seguro y en ese momento no lo está (ya que tiene que terminar de hablar con un cliente y se siente estresado) ―y su estrategia para sentirse así es escuchar poco y decirte que ya hablaréis de tus resultados en otro momento―.
Tú quieres hablar de tu proyecto, pero tu jefe no te escucha porque tiene otras cosas que hacer. He ahí otro conflicto.
El caso es que cuando ocurre esta desalineación de estrategias en repetidas ocasiones o en momentos de estrés, nuestros padres se convierten en padres complicados, pesados, que no nos caen bien, que no nos gustan, con los que tenemos poca conexión… a no ser que apliquemos la Inteligencia Emocional y pensemos en sus necesidades.
Las personas emocionalmente inteligentes hacen un esfuerzo por no prestar demasiada atención a sus primeras percepciones de aquellas personas con las que no consiguen empatizar, teniendo siempre en cuenta las necesidades que dirigen sus acciones y pensamientos.
La idea detrás de intentar comprender (o adivinar) cuáles son las necesidades de nuestros padres, es que nos ayude a comprender por qué piensan y actúan de la manera en la que lo hacen.
Aunque no entendamos por completo la necesidad exacta de nuestros padres, el simple hábito de tener en mente sus necesidades ―y la idea de que sus acciones suelen estar impulsadas por el deseo de sentir seguridad física o emocional― es crucial para empezar a comprenderles.
Esto nos permite reaccionar con empatía hacia ellos de una manera que nos sirva bien a nosotros mismos y a ellos, evidentemente.
La próxima vez que tu padre/madre haga eso que te molesta tanto, pregúntate:
“¿Qué necesidad busca cubrir con su actitud?”
“¿Cómo desea sentirse cuando actúa de esa manera?”
Y tú, ¿qué otras formas utilizarías/utilizas para llevarte mejor con tus padres?
Te leo en los comentarios.
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